Trust me, listen to me, don't think much of what I'm saying
After all, I am your friend
Let me be your guide and teach you the true way of things
And a personal friend of God
While we're talking and you're listening get your checkbook out
Just sign on the bottom line please
What does money really mean in the true scheme of things
Y'all spell that with a y
The Lord is a close personal friend of mine
We play cards every Tuesday night, he always wins of course
But you know, I have witnessed a miracle
I have seen a 900 foot Jesus in Tulsa, Oklahoma
Although a guy named Sam thinks I was off my
medication (Sam Kineson screams)
But praise the Lord and send in your donations
Even though I have sinned against you...
... and never mind those dirty pictures that are circulating, with the little girl in the saddle
Watch my TV show, pay attention very close
Send your checks to this address
What will you give to me to guarantee your salvation
Send in cash if you can
Never mind about my twenty million salary
Just doin' the Lord's work, ma'am
I think God's got some very strange associates
Don't mind me quivering under my desk.