I called him for days, he didn't answer the phone
I drove by his house, I knew he was home
A week's worth of papers and mail in the box
I thought he was dead, I picked the lock
I found him in tears in the dark on his knees
With a hole in his chest where his heart used to be
And he said...

[First chorus:]

Don't call the doctor, don't call the nurse
Call for the lady with the alligator purse
She knows the spell to lift this curse
Go find the lady with the alligator purse

In an old stone house off 21st
I found the lady with the alligator purse
She answered the door, said I know who you are
She lit a candle, consulted the stars
When I saw her closing that reptile's hide
I asked her point-blank, is my friend going to die
And she said...

[Second Chorus:]

I'm not a doctor, I'm not a nurse
I'm just the lady with the alligator purse
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst
So said the lady with the alligator purse

She said, look at what happened to Cleopatra
When she didn't take my advice
And Romeo, Juliet, they didn't get it
Too bad, those kids were so nice

By the time we got back to my pitiful pal
There was no sign of life till he saw the alligator
Purse on her arm, the gleam in her eyes
She opened the bag, there was nothing inside
She said, there's no secret, it's love that I use
I just carry this bag because it matches my shoes
And she said...

[Third Chorus:]

Don't call the doctor, don't call the nurse
Don't call the lady with the alligator purse
Love is the magic of the universe
Take it from the lady with the alligator purse

Love is the magic of the universe
Take it from the lady with the alligator purse
The lady with the alligator purse